How I summoned my Inner Warrior and became free
…at least for today. And today’s enough.
I want to be free. Free from those voices that tell me I’m not good enough at surfing, at soccer, at tennis, at writing. Those voices dominate me, have dominated me for as long as I can remember.
As simplistic as it sounds, I’m realizing that when I let go of that shit, I can do remarkable things.
I was afraid of the big surf when I checked it out before going to bed last night. Mountains of water rolled through and broke right under my lookout stairs. Seven male surfers were out, easily catching waves and gliding on the water like hummingbirds in flight. They weren’t scared, they didn’t freak out when a big set broke in front of them. I thought, “I wouldn’t have been able to surf tonight; the waves are too big, the drops too critical. I’m not good enough.”
I went to bed with the fear that I might have an accident if I paddled out this morning. (I’ve come close to breaking my vulva on my board, I’ve broken my nose, I’ve been hit in the head when another surfer ran into me.) It was projected to be the same size today. “What the hell are you doing?” I said to myself. “Who do you think you are? You can’t handle those waves. You should just do a spin class or go for a run instead.”
